Stairways to my Sanctuary...

Believe it or not, HH has started his own blog!!!!!!!!!!! Oh my dear lil bro, isn't he just full of surprises...

In a way or another, blogging has become an integral part of our lives. You can diminish its impact on our lives or even beg to differ, but there's no hiding that many pple out there wanna be heard. Things you aren't comfortable articulating, you put it in ur blog and hope someone will chance upon it and give their 2 cents worth.

Why? Why? Why has mankind deteriorate till such an extent?!?!?!? What exactly is the problem - environment, education, friends or family? Well... I suppose no matter how hard you scrutinize it, you can't really get to the root of the problem. Whatever it is, this issue is certainly chronic.

Communication and understanding are breaking down ard me and it's really disconcerting. I simply can't understand why most pple cannot sit down and discuss a problem in a calm and rational way. Instead allowing problems to manifest and blown out of proportions. Sharon and her mom; Kaiwen and her parents; Phoebs and my sis; Dave and Wendy... The list can just go on and on...

If possible, I really wanna act as their bridge of communication. With better communication comes better understanding. Not that I am not trying, it's just not enough for a mere mortal to barge in and be able to make a significant difference. Nonetheless, I will not throw in the towel. Somehow, I feel more joy in helping others than I ever used to. Not only do I wanna be a bridge, I also wanna be a guiding lamp. A lamp to guide the lost in the dark wilderness by sharing my own experiences.

By doing so, I am able to climb the stairways to my sanctuary. A place I can be at ease with myself; a place I can enjoy tranquility and serenity; a place where my hatred can be appeased, my anger can be assuaged, my pain can be soothed, my fears can be allayed, my anxiety can be calmed.

This may come across as too good to be true for some of you. Think of me as whatever you want. You have the right to be sceptical and there's no way I am gonna begrudge you of that. I have been a devil for far too long and I wanna be an angel for a change. I know that as long as I am feeling joy, I won't stop. So for those who have faith in me, do confide in me as and when you like. I may not be ard all the time but I will try my best to be as available as possible.

Honestly speaking, I feel very comforted to learn bout HH's new blog. I believe he has come to a crossroad in his life which instigated him to start blogging. In all honesty, I have no idea how much i would be able to help him. At the very least, I get to know what's going on in his heart and mind.

Having said so, it saddens me a great deal when I know nuts bout my own twin bro. Of all the pple I wish to help, he must be right up there on top of the list. I know he's suffering and that's in no small part due to a particular "Miao". Just imagine a masculine man washing his gf's undies with his hands in the middle of the night when she's sleeping soundly in the comfort of their small single bed. She could have washed it herself when she came back from work. Nope, she didn't. She played PS2 all night long while waiting for her man to bring food home for her and put her to bed. The man's pride and ego were thrown out the window for the name of love.

While watching this, I couldn't help but reminisced. I had been through this, I thought to myself. What more do us, brothers, need to do to earn the love we deserve???? Or are the girls just undeserving for us???? It beats me to no end. Whatever it is, my ordeal is over and I can only wish the same for my twin bro. May ur faith lead you to see things like how I see it now...

Where is my facade???

Did I lose my facade with the liberation of my soul....

In more ways than one, I feel I've grown stronger. Maybe not quite physically, but definitely mentally and emotionally. This is probably why I no longer need a mask where I hide all my emotions.

Still, it is always a risk to bare ur all in this god forsaken world. HH revealing my secrets is testamount to that. Hai~ Seriously, I am very disappointed. No doubt I am a very liberal person and willing to share many things, there are still stuff that I wanna be discrete about for certain reasons. When a person like me ask you to keep a secret, that means it really can't be told to anyone.

Well... What's done cannot be undone. I won't bear any grudges against him. I treat HH like a younger bro of mine and that's not gonna change just bcoz of this episode. I just gotta learn to be more careful in the future. Anyway, I've known what kinda person he is from the beginning so it was really my fault for having disclosed it to him in the first place. I guess my sadness that day drove me to do something so uncharacteristic. Pls dun get me wrong here. I am not saying HH is not a trustworthy person. The thing is he has been living a very sheltered life up to now. More often than not, he doesn't realise the magnitude of how harsh reality can be. So he probably thought my secret wasn't really that big a deal and let the cat out of the bag in order to entertain the rest of the 09 clique.

From my perspective, there are actually pros and cons to HH's personality. The con is pretty much mentioned above. Being a rather simple person, he isn't really endowed with sensitivity or tactfulness. He doesn't know how to weigh the consequences of his actions. On the other hand, living in his sheltered world peppered with family bliss, he is shielded from the cruel world that we live in. As far as I am concerned, I wish he can live this kinda life that I am envious of for as long as possible.

Human beings tend to change under harsh conditions, sometimes for the better and other times for the worse. Better being stronger willed, more versatile, more tolerant; and worse being more selfish, more scheming, more inhumane in extreme cases. This brings me to why I am so close with HH. Among all my poly frenz, I feel he is the least tainted by the outside world which makes me feel very at ease with him. If you ask me, I can tell you frankly that some negative traits are beginning to show in some of my poly frenz.

Whatever it is, I have no right to judge any of them and I won't. The same applies to whoever is judging me bcoz of what they have heard or witnessed. The jury is still out until the day I kick the bucket. Only then will I take the stand in front of God, waiting for him to pass the final verdict...

Liberation At Long Last...

With regards to Reena's comment on the previous entry, I am indeed merely mortal. Nothing more than a human, which is why I am susceptible to the perils of mankind like betrayal, cruelty, selfishness and the list goes on....

Having said so, I have no desire to discard my humanity as I feel more complete as a person. Here is a quote from a Morrie, "Learn to love or perish." It sounds rather harsh but it does make a hell lot of sense. However, if you interpret it the wrong way, the consequences could be dire. To love doesn't mean channelling all ur affection towards one single person, it's more like loving your community, your family and your friends. And this is exactly what I am gonna do.

Let me now congratulate Mei for her unerring capacity to prove my instincts right every single time. Bravo!!! You being attached to a 24 year-old malay guy so soon after our breakup further reiterated all that I had said about you. Frankly speaking, I am not really angry with you. Why should I?!?! We have already broken up so you have all the luxury and liberty to be with whoever you desire. The thing is, I am mad with myself for loving you so much in the past and neglecting others that are more worthy. You really dun deserve even one single tiny bit of it.

Apart from the congratulations, I also need to thank you for being the catalyst of my change. Gone are the days when I devoted myself to one single girl. Avan doesn't belong to just one person. I belong to my family and friends. Instead of presenting my entire heart to one individual, isn't it better to scatter it and spread the love around. It's less risky and more pple stand to benefit. I am not trying to be a saint here. All I want is to grace as many lives as possible, especially those close to me.

Mei is dead and with her death, I've found my new perspective of life. The mark of a man is not how much money he has earned; how much girls he has laid or even how many children he has. It's about how many hearts he has touched coz love is something that cannot be forgotten. When my time is up, I hope I don't have to look back in anger or regret. I wanna see the smiles I have put on pple's faces...

A Teardrop of Sorrow...

I cannot recall the last time I had tears rolling down from my eyes. It must have been a while...

Unfortunately, the overwhelming sadness that I felt several hours back, triggered some mechanism in my body and managed to squeezed out whatever that is left from my tear duct. Not that I had cried a river, it was just this one drop that rolled down my cheek which spoke volumes.

If you think I cried bcoz of her, that goes to show how much you know me as a fren or as a person. Ever since Huishan, I have never allowed myself to cry more than twice for a girl. Come to think of it, only 2 girls have achieved that feat and I would be glad it stays that way.

So what exactly happened that made me shed a tear??? Well... The 2 persons I value most in my life are my mom and elder sis. I think many of you will be surprise at such a revelation coz I dun normally talk about them or express such feelings openly. The bottomline is, I simply hate to see them being hurt. I guess it's pretty obvious now that one of them was the cause of me tearing.

Before I left for Reena's house, my elder sis and younger sis got into a very heated argument. It was so sudden that caught me totally by surprise. I mean, both of them are kinda close and arguing over a trivial matter is absolutely absurd and uncalled for. The war of words took both of them to the verge of tears and having not witnessed how it started, I was in no position to remedy the situation. Considering my elder sis's condition and my younger sis's temperament, I stood watching haplessly fearing for the worst repercussions.

It was as though both of them were throwing knifes and daggers at each other and I was caught right in between, feeling the blades cut through my flesh. Tears took the place of blood and started welling up in my eyes. Somehow, I managed to fight it back and dragged my nephew out of the house to prevent further damage.

Eventually, there was a crack in the floodgates and a fateful drop of tear rolled down my cheek when I was in the cab. I was really disappointed that my younger sis could say sorry umpteen times to her ex-gf but not even once to my elder sis. I read an article ages back discussing how humans never or seldom say thank you or sorry to family members. Back then, I already knew the article was spot on since I am guilty myself. What happened between my sisters further reiterated the point. We are all too self absorbed in our own pursuits till the extent of taking our family members for granted. Although I haven't improved a whole lot, I am certainly trying to appreciate my family members more.

I know my family will never go back to the way it was during my younger days but in the last couple of years, the situation has improved rather significantly. I want it to continue improving and an argument like this is definitely a step back. I am praying hard that there will not be any manifestations...

Psychology...

"Psycho!!!!!!!!!!!" Who's calling me???

Here's a lil trivia for those who haven't known, my nickname is "Psycho". Seriously, it's not a term that most pple like to be associated with. I'm sure you dun like pple calling you that rite. Oh well, I have being carrying this tag for more than 10 years now. It was given to me by a primary school fren and all these years, I haven't been able to shake it off.

If you ask me, I can't quite remember why my primary school fren gave me this nickname. On hindsight, it's quite an appropriate nickname. I like to see myself as being different to my peers and I think most would agree with me. I am kinda deviant, eccentric and bold in many aspects.

Isn't it fitting for a psycho to study psychology... Maybe it's not quite a coincidence that I didn't get personal financial planning for my GEMS. Whatever it is, it doesn't really matter since I have always been interested in neuro science. Human's thinking, behaviour and emotions have always been a captivation. Maybe some of you may be shocked to hear this, I ever aspired to be a psychiatrist. Lol!!!!!

Furthermore, there's also a chance of me getting to know myself more. The only pity is that I have to take this GEM alone. I would definitely do with some company but I am not that sort to cry when there is none. At the very least, I can walk hand in hand with PY to T16 and T17 every fri. Hahaha!!!! Just kidding la, dun take it to heart k, PY.

To my dear Fmus1,

"In the words of a broken heart, it's just emotions taking me over, caught up in a sorrow, lost in the song...." Emotions - by Bee Gees

Fmus1, we are nothing but mere mortals. More often than not, we allow emotions to govern us. That's why you cried even when you promised you would never cry for a man again. It's ok to cry so dun get pissed with urself for breaking the promise k. Anyway, Timbre has no rights to make you cry. He fricking hell shouldn't even be in the position to judge you like dat. If I could have my way, I would throw the timbre pizza straight at him. That's the only thing he deserves... Dun brood over it too much k. You know I am always there for you. Anything just give me a call k. Lots of love, your Fmus2...

What a FIND!!!

Pretty soon, my school vacation will be coming to an end. Honestly speaking, I am kinda looking forward to it. Call me crazy or whatever have you... I find this rather startling as well. In all the years I have been schooling, I believe this is the first time I want my vacation to end asap. I believe the mundane routine of tuitions after tuitions is taking its toll on me. Aarrgghh!!!!! How I envy HH!?!?!?

Oh well, this vacation isn't all dull and boring. There were a few odd occasions that I really enjoyed myself. SQ's bday chalet and Zouk party, Cheryl's farewell dinner, Sentosa outing with 09 clique, admiring Luctricia and Pro-evolution soccer at Lucas' place, and the most recent Zouk outing with my NS buddies indeed lifted some gloom from all the tuitions. Yes, I know giving tuitions is good money and I count myself lucky to be smart enough to do it. However, it is very mentally and emotionally draining. Hai~ Watching Kaiwen's waning interest in her studies worries me a hell lot. Her family has been nothing but nice to me and furthermore, I see her more like a younger sister to me than my student. Hopefully I can talk some sense into her and try to salvage the situation.

Just when you think the chips are down, there's always a possibility that something uplifting or inspiring would come along. This is exactly what had happened to me. Had been digging up some of my forgotten stuff of late and I stumbled upon my "Numero 2" diary and "Tuesdays with Morrie" storybook. Both given to me by my Fmus1. If I could, I wouldn't but somehow I was compelled to open up the diary and read my previous entries. Going through those entries put me on a time warp, all the way back to a couple of years ago. Not only did the diary serve as a painful memento of my less than glamorous past, it also reminded me that my command of English has worsened. Contrary to my nature, I was more affected by the latter than the former. This is probably a sign of how much I have changed in the past 2 years. By no chance am I gonna let myself slump. In light of this, I told myself back then that I have to start reading again.

Start, I certainly did. Have been reading for the past few days during my journeys to the various tuition venues. Well... No prizes for guessing which is the first book. Fmus1 wrote some sort of a disclaimer on the back of the cover stating that it is a life-changing book, read with caution. To a certain degree, I am beginning to get what she meant. 'Tuesdays with Morrie" isn't quite changing my life yet but it has absolutely given me a new perspective on certain aspects of life. On a spiritual level, this book might just turn out to be a gem.

Whether I have unearthed a gem from my closet remains to be seen. Nevertheless, I have definitely found something of materialistic gratification last Sat at Zouk. A 160GB Ipod, at a time I need it most!!!!! I am not someone you might call musically inclined or musician. Still, I need my fair share of music to keep myself entertained and hearing pleasure has been at a premium ever since that absurd demand from a particular girl. The only downside is that I have to buy the Ipod USB cable and charger. Heck! It is still very worth it whatever way I look at it. Very soon I will be able to let the music heal my soul again...

Around the World in 60 Years...

Was reading someone's blog just now and saw some pics of her recent Hong Kong trip. I couldn't help but reminisced about my previous Hong Kong and taiwan trips. Hai~ It has been so long since I travelled overseas.

The more I think about the fun I had when I was in Taiwan with the Tummy Gang, the more desire I have to go on a holiday with my frenz again. It doesn't really matter if it's the GMH clique, Tummy Gang or poly clique. I JUST WANNA GO OVERSEAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Singapore is way too small and I can say I am someone rather adventurous. I dun wanna be confined in such a puny island for the rest of my life. Widening my horizon is what I wanna do and I wish I can visit several countries during my lifetime. Given my less than healthy lifestyle, I set my lifespan at 60 years old. That means I have about 36 years to go to fulfill this dream.

So which are the countries I wanna visit??? Erm... Let me think... I definitely wanna visit Taipei and Hong Kong a second time. Taipei was real fun the other time round so I really crave for that experience again. As for HK, it didn't quite turn out to be what I expected the last time I went there but I know it should be more enjoyable if the company is right. So I am willing to give it another try. Since these 2 countries are relatively cheaper compared to the rest of the countries I wanna go, I hope I can accomplish this before going Uni or started working.

Being a Chinese, I believe it's a must to go China as well. China is pretty big and I am not really very enthusiastic bout visiting the rural areas. My most likely destination in China should be Beijing and Shanghai. If possible, I wanna cover the whole of the Great Wall of China. Lol!!!! This will be some remarkable feat. Let's pray I would still have the legs to do it.

On the topic of Asia, I can't possibly give Japan and South Korea a miss. For Japan, Tokyo and Hokkaido certainly!!! South Korea wise, I think I need to consult Ah Du. I know nuts bout the country except its capital is Seoul. Nonetheless, the korean language itself is worth me checking out the country. Still on Asia, even though I dun quite like Thailand, not going to Bangkok is still rather weird. If I am not mistaken, it was voted the favourite tourists' city last year or early this year so I guess it should have some drawpoints. This should be about it for Asia coz the rest of the countries aren't as developed. Fmus1 can stand living in shabby conditions but I can't. Just imagine how much I would panic and run about in the middle of the night if a cockroach or whatsoever insects come flying or crawling close to me. EEekkss_____

Moving to another continent, Eygpt is the only African country that I have some interest in. Don't you just find the pyramids fascinating.... I wanna witness it at close proximity and be in awe with one of the greatest wonders on the face of earth.

Moving again to Europe, there are quite a few countries that I will absolutely regret not visiting. First up will be England. Being an avid Man Utd supporter, it's a no brainer that I have to go Manchester one day, by hook or by crook. Die die also must go.... The other city in England would be London, the capital. Just gotta go there for the sake of it or maybe bcoz of the London Bridge. Hahaha!!! Across the channel, France is also a very beautiful country. "Bonjour!" I wanna wake up in Paris and have croissant for breakfast...

Not far away, there is Italy. When you talk about Italy, Rome and Milan come up to your mind. At least for me, that is what it is. Rome for its Vatican and the gladiator arena; Milan for its luxury brands. How can we even forget about Mendi's favourite Spain! Erm... Dun really know a lot bout Spain except for Barcelona and Madrid so these will be the 2 cities I wanna visit. Lastly for Europe, it will be Holland, Amsterdam. A city full of vices - prostitution, gambling, drugs and whatever have you. I am so gonna get my hands on the marijuana brownie. Thinking of it makes me drool~

The last country on my wishlist is America. To a certain degree, I have being influenced by its culture and naturally so I have intentions of paying it a visit. America is also kinda big ya. No chance I am visiting all the states and cities. At the moment, I can only think of Las Vegas, LA, California, Miami and New York.

Wow!!! This is certainly a long and expensive list of countries. Well... I have an estimated 36 years to make it happen. The only stumbling block is whether I can live that long. Only god knows...