"Jin ku liao"

It has been a really long time since my last post, isn't it?!?! I reckon it has been at least 5 years since I wrote something here...

How much had happened in the past 5 yrs of my life!!! One thing for sure is I ain't getting any younger and the other thing I could possibly say with some certainty is that I am still stuck in quite a rut. Not really too much of a difference to when I last posted something😣

I have gotten my freedom yes. I have progressed somewhat at work yes. I am doing voluntary work on a regular basis yes. However, I feel I haven't moved at all, still trying to climb out of the dark abyss of dissipation. Dissipation of my time which would be better served achieving self actualization which I have been championing for quite a while.

Hai... How long more before I could really move on???

Self-Actualization

How long has it been?!?!

Been a jolly long while.... I have been wanting to post something ya know, go back to my blogging days. But somehow, I kinda lost the zest for it:( There are many factors really and none more so than being too caught up with work, slogging my life away to repay my debts and feed myself, basically to survive in this one hell of a rat race society.

The unfortunate passing of Miao's father and also the tiff I had with my gf got me thinking... Is this seriously the life I am after?!?!?! A resounding NO!!! for crying out loud!!! Then again, what have I been doing to suggest otherwise????

Every god damn day, I'm just going through the paces - going to work, heading home or gf's place, working out or spend a lil time with her. Far too many pple are leading this sorta life without having a single clue what and why they are doing it for.

To many, working is to earn money and inevitably, the more the better which in my opinion, is somewhat pathetic. It's a no brainer that we can't do no shit without money, but is the amt of money you earn the one and only denomination of success in your life! I would raise my hand up and say NO! To me, it's more of self actualization - finding your sense of purpose and achievement in your job, ultimately becoming whom you wanna be.

As for spending time with your love ones, the underlying reason for doing so is none other than LOVE. Unfortunately, not everyone, in fact most pple dun share the same sentiments as me. It's sad when you have a gf who is rather self-centred, doesn't reciprocate the effort you r putting in and is more concern with the balance of her bank account. How could someone like dat ever be a good mother, let alone being a good wife?!?!

Too many of those close to me are too fixated on temporal gratification and it saddens me to no end:( Right now, there are but two options laid bare in front of me - continue to wallow in the state of sorrow due to the current state of affairs or come to the realization that it's beyond me to help them find meaning in life. After giving much consideration, I have to admit that I really am too jaded with leading pple onto the supposedly right path (supposed my coz my view ain't everyone's view) so I shall just do the needful and in terms of others and spend more time and effort in seeking the life I truly want...

Daily Goal Setting...

This is my first post as a university graduate, albeit a private one. Being a graduate now having gone through university education, I should be better in many aspects - linguistic capability, academic and general knowledge - as compared to before. Unfortunately to my utmost dismay, I believe I have retrograded, let alone improve!!!

After all the trials and tribulations that I had gone through, I should have learnt and known better. Sadly, it wasn't meant to be. I continue letting myself be affected by stuff beyond my control when I could have channeled the time and effort doing something constructive for myself.

Being already 28, I seriously do not have the luxury to burden myself with unnecessary stuff. In order to buck this trend, something concrete has to be done. Something that's gonna make me a better man, exuding confidence.

Since primary school all the way through to university, we have been encouraged to set goals. I never quite believe in that, which probably explains why I perennially fell way short of my desired target. Not anymore m I gonna stop heeding the same advice given by so many teachers and lecturers.

As of today, I'm gonna set myself daily 2-tier goal. Even if I dun accomplish the upper tier, I m not too far off by landing the lower tier. By doing so, I give myself some leeway to gradually acclimatize to a life of getting things done on a systematic basis.

Avan Tan!!!! You can do it!!!!

Why Do I Have the Niggling Feeling of Shooting Myself in the Foot Again?!?!

First Huishan, then Mei and now maybe Audrey.... OMG!!!! Save me~

I know I am fricking terrible when it comes to choosing girlfriend but I honestly thought I'd turned the corner when I got together with Audrey. Considering all the coincidental events leading up to us being attached, I couldn't help but think that we were fated to be an item. In fact, I still hold that belief to a certain extent. The problem is, the waning faith in what I wanna believe.

If I were a 20 year old Avan, perhaps I could get myself lost in the heady days of dating and honeymoon and not give too much thought to recent events. Sadly, I am not a 20 year old Avan, far from it for crying out loud! Watching her resting beside me while typing this entry really melts my heart. All so vulnerable and innocent, makes me wanna protect her for the rest of my life. However, pple dun normally behave like how they look. I am one hell of a perfect living example! For all the talk on how beng I look, I dun behave like one and too cultured to be one. The same applies to her. Many think she's sweet and guai but nope, she definitely isn't. If I could put it this way, she's just like my dog, Chloe - a hyperactive Jack Russell cooped up at home, not having enough fun. We all know what happens when u let loose a Jack Russell starved of space and freedom.

In another word, my gf is really playful even when she doesn't look like it. Well... I more or less expected something like dat. She's still relatively young at the age of 21. I dun expect her to be too matured. Everyone needs a lil fun from time to time. However, it's how you strike a balance that defines you as a person. In this context, I'm referring to how much fun should an attached party have to be deemed as appropriate. Obviously, my previous ex-gfs pretty much failed miserably in this aspect. I am not saying Audrey is as bad as them but frankly speaking, I see both a lil of both Huishan and Mei in her. When I say something like that, it's certainly no compliment. Those close to me should know how kangtao my ex-gfs were.

You can say you love someone so much and dun wanna lose him/her but on the other hand, ogle at an opposite gender like your soul had been taken really diminishes, or even obliterate any credibility you possess. Such a thing brings me back to the days when I had to endure Mei's overt flirtation with other guys, totally oblivious to my presence. Thinking back, I am amazed at how I was able to put up with such nonsense. Some time back, I told myself I wouldn't let myself go through this kinda shit no more. I dun deserve this kinda treatment. Hell No!!! Saying Audrey did something like dat would be accusing her of something she's not guilty of. Having said so, she did commit something similar of a lesser severity. I really dun wanna elaborate no more coz I am honestly tired of doing so. Some pple, especially her female frenz, might actually think I'm being paranoid and making a mountain out of a molehill. AUdrey probably thinks the same but I am not gonna back down from my stance. This time round, I am not being unreasonable or whatsoever. Try to sit yourself down and put yourself in my shoe, you'd eventually know what I m saying. If you have such poor imagination till the extent that you couldn't visualise, then get someone that matters to you to behave the way she did and inflict the pain on you.

When words fail, you have to resort to action in order for others to see a clearer picture. When contemplating taking action or executing action, energy is drained from the thinking, planning and execution. It leaves even the strongest weak and feeble. In truth, I really feel I am too old to be playing games like dat. When someone ain't worth it, there's no point wasting time and effort.

Ideally, I would love for everything to be fine, ya know like no kangtaos. Unfortunately, it's not down to myself. I'm only human and I have my limitations. Thankfully, I kept to my word and spent her 21st Bday with her. If anything were to happen from here on, I wouldn't look back in regret. At least I am able to tell myself that I tried being a good bf and kept to my promise of celebrating her bday with her. I still love her and wanna spend the rest of my life with her but words like that count for nought these days. Keeping my fingers crossed and may fate decide a path for us....

Busy Busy February!!!

Come 28th this month, I will be 27 years of age:( Hai~ I honestly dread growing older as it means more responsibilities and commitments but I guess it's a natural and inevitable process for all normal human beings.

It's the time of the year when I need to comfort myself by acknowledging it as nothing more than a chronological thingy, as such also something sorta physical. Spiritually and emotionally, I can still remain as young as an adolescent:-) I always believe that exuberance should never die with age. If you ever allow that to happen, it'd probably be a downward spiral in such dynamic times with almost every aspects of life constantly changing.

Considering my birthday is towards the end of January, it kinda ushers in CNY and Valentine's Day. For many years gone by, this period had always been busy even when I didn't have to bother bout Valentine's Day. This year, it's even more so given my tentative Valentine's Day date with 娃娃. I'm really really looking forward to it after a long self-imposed forbearance in courtship. Having said so, it undoubtedly weighs heavy on me:( All my life, I haven't really gotten many chances to plan and spend Valentine's Day with someone special. Bizarrely, I was normally single during February ever since I started dating. Simply speaking, I don't really have much experience in this field:( What if I fail to impress??? Hai~

After Valentine's Day, I have Daphne's wedding to attend. Planning on bringing 娃娃 along:-) It would mark my 1st time bringing a date for such an occasion if she agrees on joining me. The thought of it fills me with excitement but at the same time, anxiety. Can't stop wondering how it would pan out... I'm paranoia personified so just pardon me ya. I guess it's a way of keeping myself on my toes.

With so many events coming up, I would really love to put exams in the backburner but I can't. It just bothers me to no end coz the pressure to perform well is greater than ever!!! All along, I have great expectations of myself and when I was younger, I had met or even surpassed them. Without my mum breathing down my neck, to a great degree, I inadvertently allowed myself to overlook them for many years. Once again, there's someone to give me the kick up my backside and it's certainly most welcomed. At the same time, it is instilling the fear of me failing to scale the upper echelons of academic and subsequently corporate environment. Painstakingly, I am reminded that I used to be the creme de la creme of my cohort. I am reminded that I relish being at the top and receiving all the accolades and plaudits, and I despise playing 2nd fiddle. I cannot afford to languish in the doldrums with so many big dreams - penthouse, 1 carat proposal ring, lavish wedding, shareholder of Man United etc. OMG!!! The pressure is immense! If I crumble under, everything would probably go up in smoke...

Hold my hand and ride it with me. A future with you is worth forging and may we see our dreams come to fruition...

For a Moment, I Thought I Was in a Rubbish Dump:(

Tio my 2nd kangtao at Woodlands Checkpoint yesterday evening due to a noob shit taxi driver!!! Told him we wanted to go to the checkpoint and I suppose he thought we meant every sense of the word! He fricking drove us to the designated lane for civilian cars to enter Malaysia and panicked coz he realised he couldn't alight us there and he didn't have his passport with him! Flustered, he stopped the taxi in between 2 lanes, holding up numerous cars behind us. Me being me, I told him we were gonna alight since I didn't want the taxi fare to skyrocket. Even though I saw the "No Alighting" sign, I figured staying in the cab wouldn't do us any good either so I gathered everyone and alighted.

Without even covering 20 metres, we saw this plump malay policewoman waving vigorously, almost hysterically, signalling us to get back into the cab while she walked towards us. As if her actions weren't palpable enough, she was screaming at us to get back. Seeing how agitated she was, I knew straight away that we were in hot soup:( No doubt we were walking in an area where pedestrains are not allowed, I felt her actions were uncalled for. Why scream and shout when a simple explanation would suffice!!! We're no dumbass k, unlike the taxi driver! She must be suffering from early onset of menopause, causing her hormones to be imbalanced. Rather pissed with her for freaking out my 娃娃! Knnn!!! If not for that probable 20 seconds of fame due to all the cameras zooming in on us, there's a high chance I would've argued with her. In fact, I was all set to go after getting 娃娃out of the line of fire, safely behind me.

Soon, the cab was escorted into the parking area and we were duly detained in the ICA office for trespassing into a secure and protected zone. Honestly speaking, it was merely an honest mistake and it's gravelling that we were detained for close to 2 hrs for such a trivial offence. Apart from myself who has an unfortunate resemblance to the likes of hooligan, what could a senile greyed hair uncle, botak NS guy and a lovely petite gal conjure that associates with terrorism?!?! What?!?! The uncle removing his shoes and flinging them ard (will touch on this a lil later); HH smuggling a SAR21 out of tekong and go on a shooting rampage; or 娃娃petrifying everyone with her adorable wink??? I know we need to be vigilant and stuff in such climate but rationality should prevail sometimes.

For a short period of 15 minutes or so, we thought the office was a rubbish dump. The stench of rotting salted fish enveloping the whole atmosphere in the office, almost as deadly as HH's renowned farts. LOL!!! Deodorant and perfume were quickly utilized to mitigate the situation a lil but it was to no avail. Even rodents could have passed out from that very stench! Fortunately, I had some training before from HH's fart and it certainly came in handy. I did a quick scan of the whole office to find the source and initially, I thought it was from outside as the door was ajar. Nope... The ajar door was just a deception. The culprit was the taxi driver! Bloody hell!!! Removing his shoes in the office like nobody's business. Why do we even need tear bomb or smoke bomb?!?! I think we should just amputate his feet and use them as grenades. I reckon Bruno Mars would have been proud to use them as props for his "Grenade" MTV. Haha!!!

Having concluded the source of the stench, I informed HH and 娃娃. I believed the uncle read our body language and eventually wore back his shoes. Oei uncle, you fricking took bout 15 mins to notice our body language, slow or what sia!!! Slower la, we song mah~ Just for your info, it never come across my mind to compensate you more cab fare, not after what you put us through. Put ur nose at HH's ass and inhale deeply when he farts and only then, I would consider compensating you the 40 bucks you incurred while being detained. Lol!!!

Anyway, this debacle wasn't a sign of what to follow for the rest of our JB outing. Personally, the trip couldn't have been better when you throw some sniffing, interlocking fingers and a peck on the lips into the mix. Hehe:-)

Perhaps I Played the Wrong Card...

FML!!! I feel so guilty....... It's something I don't normally do and somehow, I contrived a plan which backfired, BIG TIME!!!

The truth just added salt to insult and compounded to my misery. I am too naive, I really do... If I had stayed pessimistic right from the start, at least 2 parties would have been happier. Kiang lor! Chong beng lor! Serve me right for getting too ahead of myself!!!

What is Avan Tan now?!?! Fricking nothing for crying out loud! Oh no, I am a lowly lifeform clouded by complacency, impairing my ability to think. Yes! That's exactly what I am:(

I normally think a lot, more often than not, too much for my own good. Having said so, I always arrive at the likeliest of scenarios due to my analytical capabilities. If I hadn't deviated from my original analysis, I wouldn't have suffered such a cold hard fall.

I concede defeat....