First Huishan, then Mei and now maybe Audrey.... OMG!!!! Save me~
I know I am fricking terrible when it comes to choosing girlfriend but I honestly thought I'd turned the corner when I got together with Audrey. Considering all the coincidental events leading up to us being attached, I couldn't help but think that we were fated to be an item. In fact, I still hold that belief to a certain extent. The problem is, the waning faith in what I wanna believe.
If I were a 20 year old Avan, perhaps I could get myself lost in the heady days of dating and honeymoon and not give too much thought to recent events. Sadly, I am not a 20 year old Avan, far from it for crying out loud! Watching her resting beside me while typing this entry really melts my heart. All so vulnerable and innocent, makes me wanna protect her for the rest of my life. However, pple dun normally behave like how they look. I am one hell of a perfect living example! For all the talk on how beng I look, I dun behave like one and too cultured to be one. The same applies to her. Many think she's sweet and guai but nope, she definitely isn't. If I could put it this way, she's just like my dog, Chloe - a hyperactive Jack Russell cooped up at home, not having enough fun. We all know what happens when u let loose a Jack Russell starved of space and freedom.
In another word, my gf is really playful even when she doesn't look like it. Well... I more or less expected something like dat. She's still relatively young at the age of 21. I dun expect her to be too matured. Everyone needs a lil fun from time to time. However, it's how you strike a balance that defines you as a person. In this context, I'm referring to how much fun should an attached party have to be deemed as appropriate. Obviously, my previous ex-gfs pretty much failed miserably in this aspect. I am not saying Audrey is as bad as them but frankly speaking, I see both a lil of both Huishan and Mei in her. When I say something like that, it's certainly no compliment. Those close to me should know how kangtao my ex-gfs were.
You can say you love someone so much and dun wanna lose him/her but on the other hand, ogle at an opposite gender like your soul had been taken really diminishes, or even obliterate any credibility you possess. Such a thing brings me back to the days when I had to endure Mei's overt flirtation with other guys, totally oblivious to my presence. Thinking back, I am amazed at how I was able to put up with such nonsense. Some time back, I told myself I wouldn't let myself go through this kinda shit no more. I dun deserve this kinda treatment. Hell No!!! Saying Audrey did something like dat would be accusing her of something she's not guilty of. Having said so, she did commit something similar of a lesser severity. I really dun wanna elaborate no more coz I am honestly tired of doing so. Some pple, especially her female frenz, might actually think I'm being paranoid and making a mountain out of a molehill. AUdrey probably thinks the same but I am not gonna back down from my stance. This time round, I am not being unreasonable or whatsoever. Try to sit yourself down and put yourself in my shoe, you'd eventually know what I m saying. If you have such poor imagination till the extent that you couldn't visualise, then get someone that matters to you to behave the way she did and inflict the pain on you.
When words fail, you have to resort to action in order for others to see a clearer picture. When contemplating taking action or executing action, energy is drained from the thinking, planning and execution. It leaves even the strongest weak and feeble. In truth, I really feel I am too old to be playing games like dat. When someone ain't worth it, there's no point wasting time and effort.
Ideally, I would love for everything to be fine, ya know like no kangtaos. Unfortunately, it's not down to myself. I'm only human and I have my limitations. Thankfully, I kept to my word and spent her 21st Bday with her. If anything were to happen from here on, I wouldn't look back in regret. At least I am able to tell myself that I tried being a good bf and kept to my promise of celebrating her bday with her. I still love her and wanna spend the rest of my life with her but words like that count for nought these days. Keeping my fingers crossed and may fate decide a path for us....